Short Funny Quotes

For some comic relief, dig into this collection of short funny quotes to jazz up your day.
If you choose to take things in a light-hearted manner, there's usually a funny side to most things.
Let yourself be amused by these funny sayings and quotes. Enjoy!




A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
-- Fred Allen, Treadmill to Oblivion


A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle


A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
-- Hermione Gingold


Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
-- Bill Cosby


An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-- Author Unknown


Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
-- Jo Brand


Be careful when reading health books; you may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain


Be like a duck, my mother used to tell me. Remain calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath.
-- Michael Caine


Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-- Author Unknown


Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
-- David Sarnoff


I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
-- Bob Hope


I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
-- Emo Philips


I was feeling very irritable. It was that difficult time of the month when the credit card statement arrives.
-- Julie Walters


If at first you don't succeed, order pizza.
-- Author Unknown


If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
-- Ann Landers


I'm a godmother. That's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short. That's cute - I taught her that.
-- Ellen DeGeneres


Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
-- Author Unknown


Most conversation are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.
-- Margaret Millar


My doctor is wonderful. Once when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
-- Joey Bishop


My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ.
-- Bill Cosby


My husband says I feed him like a god; every meal is a burnt offering.
-- Rhonda Hansome


No one can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead


People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.
-- Jack Dee


Some people pay a compliment as if they expect a receipt.
-- Kin Hubbard


The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them.
-- Jackie Collins


The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
-- Isaac Asimov


The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.
-- Jean Kerr, Please Don't Eat the Daisies


The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant


There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
-- Henry Kissinger


To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
-- Paul Ehrlich


We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller


What you eat standing up doesn't count.
-- Beth Barnes

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